WE ALL WON TODAY!

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.”

Read more: http://www.politico.com/story/2015/06/supreme-court-justices-opinions-memorable-quotes-gay-marriage-119477.html#ixzz3eEeg8QBM

California Dreaming

We knew it would be tight, but we had to go. Only about 35% of the dogs raised and trained to be service dogs are actually matched with someone who has a disability. It's complicated because the dog has to have just the right disposition, be very healthy, and want to work. So when Emma got the call saying that Lexus had been matched and would graduate from her team training, we were thrilled! Emma was, of course, invited to come and hand off Lexus to her new owner during the graduation ceremony in Oceanside, California. We had to go. 

Day one:  

Up at 3:30 am to fly out to Orange County. The flight was smooth and nice and there was a man with a service dog in the seat directly in front of us. The dog looked so much like Lexus, it surprised me when it didn't recognize us. When we arrived, we picked up our rental car and headed out to Oceanside. 

We couldn't check into our accommodations right away because school was still in session. So we went down to the beach, which was only 4 blocks from where we were staying. Had there been others at the beach, we would have immediately been recognized as tourists. (OMG! Water! OMG! Palm trees!) We took a lot of photos.  I was amazed at how cold it was. 

We stopped at the store, picking up peanut butter, bread, and jelly, before checking in with our hosts. Thank you to Kristen and Patrick Arrastia for allowing us to sleep in their lovely kindergarten room. It was magical, like sleeping in a story book. 

Day 2:  

It rained most of the night and we got up to this beautiful complete rainbow.

We had to be out of the kindy by 7:30 am. Down to the beach again, we never got tired of staring at the ocean. I was amazed by the power of the waves rolling in one after another. Though it was cold, there were a few surfers out there.  I would have been terrified. As it was, I startled and jumped out of the way when the tide came in too close to my feet! 

Today we had a tour of the training facility at Canine Companions for Independence. It's impressive! They can house over 90 dogs at one time and the work they do is amazing. The dogs are taught approx. 40 specialized commands and can turn lights on and off, open doors, retrieve a soda from the fridge, and press the button for the elevator. Some dogs go to individuals with disabilities, some go to facilities, and some go to families with disabled children.

After the tour we stopped at a couple of shops in town and had some ice cream.

Day 3 - This was it! Graduation day! We arrived at CCI at 9:30 am and were given instructions. Then we went to brunch and met the man who was matched with Lexus. Buddy and his wife, Sheri, are lovely people. Buddy's first service dog, Hilary, died last year and he misses her very much. It will take time for Lexus and Buddy to form the same kind of partnership, but I'm confident they will.

Then, a reunion with Lexus, a drive to the place where the ceremony would be, and... everything seemed to go so fast. 

Just before the ceremony started, Lexus was brought back to Buddy for a TV news interview. Afterward, she was back with us, but could see Buddy across the room. She was not terribly happy to be separated from her new friend. 

The bond they are beginning to form is obvious. It's also obvious Lexus enjoys working. People ask us how we can raise a dog for 18 months and then give it up. It was hard! I remember when it was time for Lexus to go back to Oceanside last August. We weren't able to come ourselves so another family took her. We left Lexus playing happily with Vanessa's dog and it didn't hit us until we got to the car. Emma and I both had some tears, then we went to visit our local animal shelter for a dog fix.

All that went away as soon as we saw Lexus with Buddy. Now, all I can think is how lucky she is to have found such a great friend and partner. I'm sure she'll work hard. 

Day 4 - We left our storybook house and family. As I stepped into the kitchen to return a few dishes and leave a card, the inside door opened a little and 2 1/2 year old Josie looked in. I said good morning. She didn't say anything, just looked and slowly closed the door again.

We were driving to Palm Springs and needed to be on the road early...so I'd have time to get lost. I got lost... sort of. I missed one turnoff and we went a slightly longer route, but we made it in, a little later than planned, but we made it.

My friend, Harold, took us to lunch at a lovely Mexican restaurant and we ate in the garden and listened to a young man playing guitar. After lunch, Harold gave us the scenic tour past several houses belonging to celebrities. Then we went back to his house and met his husband, Jeff, and chatted even more. Jeff went over our driving directions so I wouldn't get lost on our way to LA. All in all, it was a really nice visit.

Jeff's instructions were perfect and we arrived at Kelly's apartment exactly two hours after leaving Palm Springs. Kelly is one of my former kindergarten students and has been friends with Emma for years. She had her roommate, Zippy, hosted us for the next two days. We watched the movie, Mortdecai, the first night. I know it got terrible reviews, but we laughed all through it and enjoyed it thoroughly. 

Day 5 - 

A slower day. I took my scooter and explored the neighborhood while the girls watched some program on the computer. In the evening, Kelly and Zippy arranged for us to join them watching a production of Julius Ceasar at The Noise Within Theatre. 

Day 6 -

We spent the morning at The Grove, a shopping center where Zippy reported seeing more celebrities than anywhere else she'd been. I suspect any celebrities were trying hard to not look like celebrities, and since there were many people who seemed to be trying hard to look like celebrities, we may or may not have seen any. What would we have done if we had recognized someone? Nothing. We'd be tongue-tied and awkward, and our luck, we'd find it was a celebrity look alike. So why did we go? We were that close to Hollywood, it wouldn't have seemed right if we hadn't. 

Back to the airport. We drove from The Grove back to Orange County/Santa Ana/John Wayne Aiport. Maybe it was first time visitor luck, but we never ran into bad traffic the entire time we were in Los Angeles. I also found the drivers to be gracious and polite. Anytime I turned on my blinker to change lanes, someone let me in. We left in plenty of time to get lost, so of course, we didn't. And our flight was delayed. I was exhausted. I know I'll crash this week, but it was worth it. I was happy when we finally arrived in Denver and home at 10 pm. 

Emma, however, was still California dreaming.

Dancing with Angels

I was dancing with angels last night. No, I haven't died or started a new religion, and I haven't been indulging in Colorado candy. I was square dancing. Angels, in the square dance world are those more experienced dancers who volunteer to help teach new students by being their dance partners. 

Square dancing? Ask anyone if they've ever square danced and more than likely they'll say yes, but not since 6th grade. No matter which school they attended in which state, 6th grade seems to have been The Year for square dancing. They all remember how much fun they had and can't seem to remember why they never did it again.

Square dancing as adults? I've thought about it many times over the years as it was the only type of dancing my husband would consider, even theoretically. After looking into the clubs around town, I decided against it. I wasn't sure I'd fit in, much less my husband - even theoretically. 

Then came Linda, one of my dance teachers from my Dance for PD class, who excitedly told me how she had started learning how to square dance and how much she loved it. Seems she had looked at clubs all over the city before deciding on one. She had been discouraged too. "I just didn't fit in," she said, grimacing as she remembered her visits to various clubs.

"They were wearing the dresses, weren't they," She nodded and I nodded back sympathetically. Linda is from Brooklyn. She taught, and still teaches, ballroom dancing. Imagining Linda in a frilly square dance dress with all the petticoats? ....no. It doesn't work. And there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that could get me to wear one. I am not a petticoat kind of gal.

The group she eventually joined was much more informal. Jeans and t-shirts. Lots of laughing. Lots of eating. Lots of parties. She had just finished her first year of lessons and invited me to come to their open house in September. She invited my husband, too, which, theoretically would have been nice, but practically, he preferred to stay home and read. 

The group is the Rocky Mountain Rainbeaus, an LGBTQA club. The Q stands for questioning and A? maybe it stands for All the rest of us, because it's an all inclusive group and one of the warmest and most welcoming groups of people I've had the pleasure to meet. They are into having some serious fun with dancing. This is not your 6th grade dance class. Fortunately, we start out slow and build on what we learn each week. It is a real physical and mental workout.

I've heard square dancing is becoming more popular among college students, especially those math geeks who see the steps as geometry equations. I'm glad I didn't hear this before I started or I may never have joined. I've lost count of how many members really did not want to join, but were talked into coming once, and then stayed to become leaders, organizers, and... angels. 

Here's their website:  Rocky Mountain Rainbeaus

Keeping our Sense of Wonder - Knowing what we don't know

This week I joined a small group of people with movement disorders at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center and we had the privilege, once again, of being interviewed by groups of 2nd year medical students. I've done this for five or six years now and I've come to appreciate what I learn as well as the opportunity to teach the medical community a little bit about the reality of living with a movement disorder.

Intended to be a learning experience for the students, I believe it's also important for the teachers - the experienced medical doctors who are in charge of preparing the next generation of health professionals. We expect the students to be impressed when they hear about the realities of living with a movement disorder, but we don't expect the doctors to react. They've heard it all before.

During the interviews, however, they are listening in a much different way - through the perspective of the students. The students take things slowly. They hesitate. They ask their questions and wait. They are not thinking of the five (or ten or fifteen) patients still to be seen. They aren't trying to put together a diagnosis as we are speaking. They don't have the same knowledge or experience as the doctors and they know it. 

Something magical often happens. The doctor hears, really hears and suddenly comprehends one of the challenges we go through as patients. The students responded with interest and sympathy when they heard how drug side effects caused serious problems for me for two years before anyone, including the neurologist, knew what was happening. The doctors reacted more strongly and responded with , "Wait, what was that?" and they began asking me questions about what they could have done differently. One year, the doctor turned pale and seemed to forget the students were in the room as she asked me question after question. 

They realized how much they didn't know and this, I believe, is the best lesson for the students.  

I had symptoms for 5 years before I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Looking back, it's not the length of time which was so frustrating, it wasn't even the misdiagnoses. My PD presented itself in a way which differed from the classic symptoms. The frustrating times were when I had doctors who were so very, very sure of themselves.

It's a fine line, I know. Doctors need to be confident in their abilities, otherwise they would be second guessing themselves all the time - and that isn't healthy for them or their patients. Having the ability to say, "I don't know. I'll have to think about this and talk with some of my colleagues" when they have an unusual situation is reassuring, at least to me. 

It means they haven't lost their sense of wonder. It means they know there's a lot they don't know. These are the best doctors.

Learning How to Grow Older

As I watch my parents get older, there are so many things I think about. In fact, there are so many things, I have to keep lists. Most of this is purely practical: the paperwork I need to get done so they can move to their assisted living apartment, what they will need to bring with them, what are all those things they can't take with them and what will be do with them. That's a long enough list to last a few months right there. 

For better or for worse, we can't be only practical when it comes to our parents aging. There's a whole range of emotions and memories, as well. There's also some dirty laundry to deal with, even if it's just in my own mind, and it has to be sorted, cleaned, and hung out on the line to dry. 

It's also made me look at how I want to be as I get older. Do we have a choice?

It's debatable how much of our health is due to our lifestyle choices and how much is due to luck, karma, and good genes. Eating healthy and exercising is good, but then my grandmother ate lots of rich desserts and she lived to be 97.  My choice, my ideal, would be to live a full life and be able to say at the end, as my mother-in-law did, "It's been fun, hasn't it!"

What I've learned this summer is I don't ever want to resent being a year older. I'm not going to buy into the youth obsessed culture. I don't want to pretend I'm still 35. I'm not. I don't want to dye my hair or hesitate when someone asks my age. Why would I? Being 57 is cool! Each time in our life is unique and I'm enjoying my life right now.

Don't tell me I'm 57 years young. We wouldn't tell a child he is 10 years young. I'm getting older, not younger. All of me is getting older. I don't have the physical body of a teenager or young adult and, thankfully, I don't have the mind of a teenager, either. I wouldn't want it. A lot of work goes into learning and developing as an adult, and the work never stops. 

I don't want to fear getting older. I don't even want to fear getting very old. Many people don't make it that far. I'm not afraid of nursing homes. I worked in one. There's also the example of our former neighbor who, at the age of 92, met a lovely old lady in the nursing home where they both lived. They spent their days holding hands and talking to each other. No one else understood what they were saying, but they enjoyed every moment. I'd like that. If the other person was my husband getting very old with me, it would be even cooler.

The only thing that scares me about dementia and Alzheimer's is the possibility of becoming mean to people I care about. Even then, I know it's a phase which sometimes, but not always, accompanies these diseases and inevitably will disappear in the fog of memory loss. The memory loss doesn't worry me nearly as much. The heart often remembers, even if the brain doesn't. At least I believe this is true.

Ah, if I wasn't in the middle of taking care of my elderly parents, I wouldn't be spending time thinking of what it would be like to turn 85 or 90 years old. I've still got a long ways to go and I'm far too busy being 57 and spending time with my favorite 60 year old, 33 year old, 32 year old, 30 year old, 21 year old, 4 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old.... not to mention my 85 and 90 year old parents.... and all those friends in between... to dwell on.. well, anything at the moment. 

So I'll just leave you with a few good quotes from some amazing women:

“Aging is not lost youth, but a new stage of opportunity and strength.”

— Betty Friedan

“At 20, we worry what others think of us. At 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”

— Ann Landers

“The great thing about getting older is you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.”

— Madeleine L'Engle

“I’m a person who gets better with practice. Getting older is awesome because you get more practice.”

— Zooey Deschanel

"At my age, I doubt I have more than twenty good years left."

“At my age, with all my aches and pains and health problems, I doubt I have more than twenty good years left.””

— Jim Myers - age 90

Dad's turning 90 tomorrow. He has said all year he wanted a big blowout party for his 90th birthday. Unfortunately, we are all worn out at the moment and the big blowout is going to be much more of a quiet day with a number of visitors stopping by to wish him well. 

We're worn out because we're in the process of moving them into an assisted living apartment. It's a huge move, especially for a couple of pack rats who are finding it difficult to downsize. 

I've had the privilege of being able to spend time with Dad each week, taking him to the grocery store and helping him shop. After initially balking at the idea of the electric scooters, he is now a pro at driving around the store. He hasn't hit anyone yet. My biggest challenge is making sure he doesn't get more food than can fit in their fridge and trying to convince him he doesn't have to buy me a large package of Velveeta cheese - or anything else.

This time, during our weekly visit to the store, has been precious to me. Even though I know he won't need to buy groceries after their move, I've told him I'll still take him to the store - or somewhere every week. Maybe we'll go to a hardware store. I like hardware stores as much as he does.

I hope I can age as gracefully and with as much wonderful (and sometimes wicked) humor as he has. 

Don't Brush off the Drug Factor

It was inevitable. As soon as the news announced Robin Williams' diagnosis of Parkinson's disease, I felt a wave of panic surge through my entire body. Despite telling myself I was jumping to conclusions and we'd probably never know what factors were in play the day Robin took his life, the question would not leave. I went to my internet support group and, sure enough, someone had posted this very question on the forum. Seems a lot of people were wondering the same thing.

Was Robin Williams on a dopamine agonist drug? Did his PD medications have anything to do with his suicide?

This morning I learned that a good friend of Robin's, Rob Schneider, has publicly questioned the role of Parkinson's medications in his friend's suicide. Afterward came the predictable response from the medical community (Doctors Blast Rob Schneider's Parkinson's Drug Twitter Rant). 

We don't know and will probably never know what caused Robin Williams to take his life. We don't know which medications he took for his Parkinson's. Most importantly, we really don't know enough about the brain and how exactly it works with drugs, our environment, and our unique personalities to say anything for sure. 

Just don't brush it off.

HEY DOCS... did you hear this? DON'T BRUSH IT OFF! Medications don't have "side effects", only effects. These effects can vary a lot from one person to another. Effects can start out slowly and build up after time - even without a dosage increase. And you know what else? Those of us who often report adverse effects from drugs are often brushed off because you all decide we must be imagining things.

After telling my nurse NOT to give me any medication for pain after surgery, the nurse responded with impatience and even anger. I obviously didn't know what I was talking about. When I threw up after waking up from surgery, the nurse scoffed at me, saying "Now what do you think of recovering from surgery without pain meds?" Two days later, she came to me white faced and shaky, and said, "I've never seen anyone as sensitive to medications as you are." It was as close to an apology as I would get.

After experiencing some not-so-helpful effects of dopamine agonists, my neurologist at Kaiser (great doc, Dr. Lindsey Hudson) put it this way, "You're just one of those people with a brain that's easily inspired."

No, that's not a euphemism for total nut case, it means just what she says. My brain is easily inspired, whether by drugs, poetry, art, music... I'm an artist. The connection between artistic creativity and psychopathology (extremes in mood, thoughts, and behavior) have been studied for a long time and the link is clearly established. Our brains are wired differently. It's not always the easiest brain to live with (just ask our spouses), but it's worth it. At least I think so.

"Easily inspired" is also a warning. Be extra careful when doing anything which will affect this brain. It's going to react differently than what you might expect. It may go zipping across the house, ricocheting off walls and ceilings, it could hide out in its room and not want to come out, or it could jump off the high dive - with or without water in the pool. Medication can also be the spark which lights the inferno and makes anything less scary than being consumed by the fire, even suicide. 

DON'T BRUSH IT OFF!

Sure, neuroscientists are learning more and more all the time, but really, we're still like Model T mechanics trying to understand the Space Shuttle. 

So, docs.. please, before you get out your prescription pad to prescribe any medication which affects the brain, get to know your patients a little. Find a way to check in with them often enough, especially at first. Suggest they have a family member come with them to appointments. Make sure the family member reports any changes in the patient's personality or behavior - too happy, sad, or angry? can't let go of thoughts? baking 12 dozen chocolate chip cookies every week? Spend more than 10 or 15 minutes with each patient and really listen. 

Don't brush off the medication factor. Our lives may depend on it.

Robin Williams and Parkinson's Disease

Finding out today that Robin Williams had been recently diagnosed with Parkinson's disease makes his death more personal to me - more tragic and infinitely more terrifying.  I think of the disability lawyer who told me he'd eat his revolver if he was ever diagnosed with anything like Parkinson's. I think of a friend who was depressed and suicidal in the first months after his diagnosis.

For a blessedly brief time, I knew what it was like to have severe manic/depressive episodes. I understood the spark of brilliance you feel when you're manic and then, the intense shame when depressed... and afterward wondering what is you and what is simply a combination of chemical reactions in your brain.. and you miss the spark of brilliance and wonder if your friends will still like you without it.

And you totally miss the fact that you ARE brilliant and your friends love you - no matter how you are doing. I understand how this could have been so unbearable - so like a fire that you would do anything to escape it. 

Between our physical challenges and non-motor challenges and the added complications of medicines which influence our brains and, at times, our behavior, and the ups and downs of our dopamine levels, it isn't hard to see how people with Parkinson's can be at higher risk for suicide.

Because of the shock we all feel over Robin Williams' death, many people are sharing phone numbers of suicide hotlines. This is good. For those of us with Parkinson's disease, I'd like to share a couple more resources:

Parkinson's Disease Foundation has a PD Helpline - 1-800-457-6676 or email at info@pdf.org.  

Patients Like Me (www.patientslikeme.com) is an internet support group which is so, so much more. We keep track of our treatments and our symptoms. We are encouraged to share our data and to look at the data that other patients share. 

In Colorado, there is the Parkinson's Association of the Rockies at 303-830-1839 or www.parkinsonrockies.org.

Email me through my website. I will always listen. I am definitely not a substitute for medical help, but I will listen.

Oftentimes, simply (okay, maybe not always simply) getting our medications adjusted and balanced is enough to really make a difference with these issues of depression and anxiety. Always, always check with your neurologist if you or a family member with PD are having any of these challenges.

We also seem to be at higher risk for... creativity, artistic ability, and imagination. In order to stay healthy after the meds are in balance and your PD is stable, don't forget to exercise, dance, read, visit with friends, make new friends, continue learning in whatever way you can, and laugh. 

Laugh. I can't help but think Robin Williams would have eventually come up with some marvelous comic routines around his Parkinson's disease. I'm sure he would have been totally brilliant. Now? We'll just have to do it for him. We can be brilliant, too.